Closure

How do you just GET OVER something that's happened to you?

Lesson #1, go back and read the blog on Forgiveness... that's the first thing you have to do.

At some point, you have to forgive yourself, as well. Forgive yourself, and accept that bad things happen to good people.

People lie, people cheat, people steal and people leave. Talk to ANYONE you know. Everyone has been battered by something that has happened TO them... They didn't deserve it, but they got it anyway.

And what we all DO deserve, is an explanation.

Good luck with that one too. You probably will never EVER get an explanation that will take away the hurt, change the past, or satisfy your craving and need for closure. It just doesn't happen. If someone didn't know how to act pre-incident, what on EARTH makes you think they will know how to act post-incident. People don't like to admit when they're wrong. They don't like it, and they usually won't do it. They will find a way to weasel out of owning up to the wrong they did to you.

So how do you respond?

I dunno... It does depend on the incident... I know that when things just don't add up for me, I try to take the time to be introspective... what was my role in this thing? What did I do wrong? Is there anything I can apologize for to maybe make it better? Maybe yes, maybe no. So I deal with ME first.

Then I deal with them. What was the level of the injustice? Is it a deal breaker? Or do I just need to take some time and get away... say my peace, then be done with it for a while...

Well, it's the BIG deal breaker's that stick around and tie you to a painful injury in the past... those are the debilitating ones... Like when someone you love with all your heart tells you they don't want you anymore... and they leave. Gone. All your plans, everything you THOUGHT your life was going to be... gone. Then there's the feeling of despair... of being lost... of having the wind knocked out of you so hard you just can't breathe... the physical tension you feel in your chest that you can't shake no matter how hard you try... it's there when you lay down, it's there when you wake up, and it's wipes the floor with you the rest of the day... I'm well acquainted...

Let me tell you... if you don't get a grip, that stuff will go on FOREVER. So take some time to allow yourself to grieve. You HAVE to do this. That means, you call your mom at 7 in the morning because you have been crying so incredibly hard that you can't even get dressed for work... and you have her pray for you... you call your friends... have them pray for you... Call someone who can come over and sit with you and talk to you... it is OK to weep. It is NECESSARY to weep. There are different kinds of weeping too... you'll weep from sheer shock at the beginning... then you'll weep because you are letting go... letting go is the key. Understanding that what you had planned for yourself is NOT what's going to happen. Understanding that this person may never be able to say or do anything that will make you say, "Oh! I get it... now I understand... now I can move on." That's just never gonna happen, folks, so you'd better learn how to get on with it yourself.

Oh, and get ready for the anger... When I get to the point where I'm angry, I know that 1) things are about to change, & 2) I'm moving on. If I get angry, I will make something in my life change as a result. Anger can be helpful in getting over something, but be careful to channel it appropriately.

Chances are, there are people in your life who love you enough to hold you when you cry, laugh with you when you're ready, and help you move on when it's time. That's a pretty good life, if you ask me. Those are things to be thankful for.

But, the number one thing you have to have for closure, is Christ. He's the only one who can make something out of nothing... which means He can create the closure that you need. And it's not an overnight process. Internally, it will take years to get through. However, you won't be paralyzed the whole time. You'll still have the hurt, but you will be able to get on with your life. Then you can look forward to the day when you can honestly say & believe, "You know... I've finally let it go... I'm not angry, and I'm not even hurting anymore... I still have scars, but they're healed. God will deal with them - and He can do a much better job than I ever could."

Beyond that, you also need to know when and where to draw the line in the sand. Some people will hurt you, then keep coming back. Keep twisting the knife. This is SELFISH behavior. There is a period of time where there will be many discussions that just SUCK... but once you've said it all, or a decision has been made, don't keep revisiting it.

In other words, that person who has hurt you, left you, whatever... they have forfeited the right to be a part of your life. Hold them to it. They decided they wanted something else... so "something else" they'll have to get because YOU are NO LONGER available to them. Who cares if THEY need to talk. Everything has been said, and more than enough has been done. It is OK to tell someone that they can no longer be a part of your life on any level. Block their phone number, block their emails... let them know you are doing this. Then it's time to walk away. Once and for all, cut your losses, look out for yourself, shed the baggage and put one foot in front of the other. It will take time, but it will happen. At this point, it's sheer will. And PRAYER!!!! Surround yourself by friends & family you TRUST. People who you can share your goals with... for instance, find a friend that you can say, "Hey... I'm not going to talk to So&So anymore. If I'm tempted... can I call you?" It sounds silly, but it helps. And it gets you a friend to support you. They know they've just been called into action...

Anyway... it's tough... but you kinda just have to DO it. If you don't, you'll be stuck in the same unhealthy patterns for a very unhealthy amount of time. Really, you can't do it alone... so find the folks that will support you and challenge you to get it together. Tough love. It SUCKS, but it works. :-)